I picked you up around 10pm from the airport. I saw you waiting for me. I went to hug you but you didn’t want me to because you thought you smelled bad from your long journey. I wouldn’t have cared if you did, but you didn’t. You smelled like closing distance. I was glad to have you in my arms.
We held hands in the beater van I was driving. With the torn apart interior and broken gages; I didn’t know when it had gas or not. You still held my hand in it. I remember taking you to Tim Hortons, you liked it because you finally got to try something that you didn’t have where you came from. We went to the drive through and I remembered my window didn’t wind down. That was kind of embarrassing but you laughed and I knew right then you didn’t care what I had, what we did, what we were, it was about us. About me. Not my possessions.
We got back to my house and you showered. You finally felt a bit more comfortable and I saw you relax with me. We acted like little girls and I remembered how it was to crush again. The good kind. We rushed into the physical stuff, but it was okay. I felt comfortable. You were very pretty and your smile made me feel warm inside.
I looked at you when you slept that night like I hadn’t looked at anyone. Each time I saw the corners of your mouth curve up, I felt that you were dreaming of me. I liked that. I liked thinking that, even if I was wrong. I liked how delicate and content you looked. I liked how soft you were.
I liked how you would stand next to me and press your lips to my arm. I liked how you couldn’t ride my bike because you were too short. I liked seeing you finally get the hang of it and ride across the dimly lit streets with an ear to ear grin. You seemed like a kid again. I liked the blank look on your face sometimes, even if it irritated me at the same time. I liked how you would get coy around my friends, but a freak in my bed.
I liked that you loved me, even if it scared me. I liked that you would steal kisses and invade my space even if I was nervous sometimes. I liked that you wanted only me, briefly. I like that you got a little jealous sometimes, it showed you were insecure, yeah, but it also showed you cared.
But we argued, passively, constantly. Over matters that seemed so big at the time, but now, two years later seem the size of atoms. I got bored of too much affection, I was hollow but you filled me in seconds, and I exploded.
You’d start going up to my room when we got home. I thought it was because you didn’t want to be around me and you thought I didn’t come up because I didn’t want to be around you.
We fought over what to do on your last day with me, finally you chose the science centre. I didn’t really want to go, I can’t remember why. But we went and I tried to have fun, I tried to be positive. But it was hard.
Anyways, on the morning you were leaving I felt like I couldn’t go our separate ways on bad terms. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell you I appreciated you. But, as you stepped out the door and I went to hug you, you turned away. I don’t know if you noticed, maybe you did.
But I think about that sometimes. How you walked away. How it looked. How it felt. How since you I’ve been too scared to love anyone again because I never wanted to memorize the back of someones head.
I’m glad you’re free of me. And you will always occupy my thoughts and my summer of ‘firsts’. I love that you existed in my life, even if you resent my existence in yours.